Tuesday, April 15, 2008

10 worst gadgets ever invented


Just because something is technically possible doesn't mean it's necessarily a good idea to go ahead and do it. Just look at cloning, or the Mir Space Station. And now the latest -- the worst news in aviation since the Hindenburg exploded. Mobile phones will soon be allowed on planes.

The European Commission has set out rules governing the use of the ubiquitous cellular phone on flights, and within six months predictable cries of 'Hi! I'm in economy-class on the Skybus!' or 'We land at six, can you get dinner started?' will be heard across the firmament.

And this is but the latest in a long list of technological developments that seemed like a good idea to someone at one time, but have proven to be the opposite. Here are our 10 worst offenders, starting with ...

1Mobiles on planes: the boundless stratosphere used to be one of the few places in which one could escape the omnipresent mobile. Air rage is set to rocket (yes, pun intended) when grumpy fliers' rest is disturbed by the sound of bleeping ring tones, tinny MP3s and one half of a moronic, very loud conversation. This is without even mentioning the possibility of terrorists using mobile signals to remotely detonate bombs in the baggage hold, or the plane taking a nosedive because the cumulative effect of 200 eejits playing computer games has driven the navigation system bananas.

2 All-in-one phone-MP3 player-address book-internet-camera etc.: because if one breaks, they're all broken, which obviously doesn't happen when your gadgets are physically distinct objects. And who wants to watch TV on a screen the size of a Zippo lighter, anyway?

3 Windows Vista: it's better than XP in some ways but there's an awful lot of needless tampering with the classics, e.g. Microsoft Word, which is now about as navigable as the Hindu Kush during a particularly cold winter.

4 Wireless broadband: now people can be rude by checking their email, downloading illegal movies and playing poker with Bulgarian gangsters just about anywhere: pubs, cafés, at the dinner table, in bed, wherever.

5 Camera-phones and video-phones: wave bye-bye to the notion of privacy -- the next time you make an ass of yourself in company, it's likely to be uploaded to YouTube and emailed around the world in all its fuzzy, pixellated glory quicker than you can say, 'What was I drinking last night?'

6 Social networking sites: even worse than the real thing. Is this what being a social animal is all about: 'poking' other friendless dweebs halfway around the world, or sending pointless messages to people who already know and dislike you enough, without you interrupting their working day with your inanities? With friends like this, who needs enemies?

7 GPS systems: they make people over-confident while driving twisty back-roads, but these supposedly all-seeing electronic eyes haven't factored in the tractor lumbering around the next bend, potholes the size of Godzilla's footprint, or that idiot who's built a wall halfway out onto the road.

8 More electronics in cars: it's a simple fact that mechanical parts are more reliable than electronic/electrical parts, easier to fix when they do cause a problem, handier to get hold of, and don't require constant 'upgrade'. And you can buy mechanical parts second-hand, too.

9 DVD: it may have a better picture than its predecessor, the sound may be sharper and you may get all manner of gimmicky extras, but DVD is about as reliable as that rumour you heard in the pub the other night about Brian Cowen's plans to make Willie O'Dea the Minister for Moustaches. At least those much-maligned old VHS tapes didn't start skipping just because of a thumb-print. And they only cost half the price, too.

10 The way amazon.com and similar sites make personalised suggestions based on your previous purchases: it's just creepy when the computer tries to strike up a relationship with you on first-name terms, like being stuck on that spooky ship in 2001: A Space Odyssey.

Will the computer get into a sulk if you ignore their recommendations and try to murder you by short-circuiting the electric supply? It's always a possibility ...

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